Newcastle United

How good to see the fat lardy boys relegated.

I remember going up to Newcastle a few years back to find a half empty, dilapidated stadium where Manchester United fans nearly outnumbered Geordies.

The modern age, of televised football, had to hype a 'North East Giant', but what did they achieve? They gave us fat, whining 'footy' fans who sobbed when things went wrong. 3-0 at Wembley?

Went to watch United there again in about 2004 with me dad, and Geordies were still gobby bastards with no class. All piss and wind.

The first 'fans' I saw sobbing were Geordies in ninety-something. I saw Geordies sobbing today too, when they were relegated. If sport makes you wail, and show fat blubbery flesh, then you deserve to be relegated.

Sad, Geordie bastards, gone but never missed.

Well maybe by Sky TV!

Where is Newcastle?

It's quite incredible that the Department for Communities and Local Government doesn't seem to know the difference between Newcastle-upon-Tyne, and Newcastle Staffordshire.

It transpires that this beacon of government excellence gave £2m of our taxes to Newcastle Borough Council by mistake, when it should have gone to Newcastle-upon-Tyne City Council for encouraging local businesses. Quite why it should be rewarded in this way for doing its job is another issue.

The interesting finale to this fiasco is that the government is only asking for the return of £970,000 of the £2,000,000. So I wonder what has happened to Newcastle, Staffordsire's unexpected windfall of over £1m. And, if the government had informed Newcastle-upon-Tyne that it was due this £2m, why they didn't question its non-arrival.

Here's a tip for the civil servants. You can tell the difference by phoning the two councils, if the person answering the phone seems to be talking a long forgotten dialect of Swahili, that is Newcastle-upon-Tyne. If you don't need an interpreter that is Newcastle, Staffordshire.

Newcastle United Circus

Newcastle's Last Successful Captain (on left).

Throughout this week the nation has been bored witless by the nonsense that is Newcastle United FC. As a dedicated football fan myself I have always been appalled at the constant hype around this under-achieving outfit. Then, this morning, I realised how the club mirrors the new Britain. Here are the similarities:

In the early '90s 20,000 was a good attendance at a game. The crowd (population) has now swelled to 50,000 per game. But they all claim to have been loyal fans for decades and decades.

They won a couple of FA cups in the 1950s and a Fairs Cup (UEFA Cup, now defunct) in the 1960s. That doesn't make them a successful club in 2008 any more than we can claim to have an empire, which we lost in the same era in which they were last successful.

The good thing is the only way Newcastle United get into Europe these days is on a booze cruise.

Their owner claims to be an ordinary man but he, and the club, rip off the mug supporters on a daily basis but the mugs are happy to keep stumping up and making rich men even richer while the club becomes ever more a laughing stock. Bit like our government.

When anything of import happens, like siging a new player or manager, or even sacking one, the fans turn up and turn their stadium into a vulgar, makeshift shrine and there is a mawkish public display of emotion.

The most worrying thing though is that Kevin Keegan is now being hailed as the second coming of the Messiah. Please don't tell me that Tony Blair is sniffing around safe Labour seats for the next election! After all, Blair did claim to have regularly sat in the Gallowgate End at Newcastle in the 1960s, except that it was then a standing terrace.

But to sum it up in one word-SPIN.