Customer Service? Bollocks! (Part 2)

Following my post yesterday about B&Q, specifically their totally incompetent Bamber Bridge store, there is a further development.

After being told that their delivery vehicles, drivers and goods fall into a black hole, never to be seen again, if they venture near Lancaster on a Friday, the problem has been solved.

After preparing for a Saturday delivery of my flooring, because of the above insoluble problem, I received a phone call late yesterday afternoon. The greatest scientific minds in the world, led by Stephen Hawking no doubt, have solved the problem of the de-materialising trucks and my delivery will be here this aftenoon, between 5-00pm and 7-00pm depending on the time warp factor no doubt, or maybe the traffic. Kicking arse does work, even with mongs and simpletons it seems.

Then there is the problem with Topps Tiles, or should that be 'Bottoms' Tiles because they are a bunch of arseholes too? But that's similar to the B&Q experience and too raw for me to recount at the moment without resorting to single malt, and it's far too early.

Bastards!

The FIFA World Cup 2010

After all the bullshit spouted about the World Cup in South Africa, it has taken the down to earth decency and honesty of a former Rugby Union player to tell it as it actually was. Namely:

The standard of football was shite.

If Spain play the most beautiful football the world has ever seen how did they manage no more than one goal in any game, the point of the game being to score goals?

'Top class' footballers are spoilt, petulent brats who are more than happy to cheat, including the Spaniards.

Africans are not all happy smiley people in bright clothes, many live in abject poverty under brutal dictatorships.

The awe and wonder that the tournament happened without major disaster/cock-up is highly patronising towards Africans, but typical of the PC brigade.

The Vuvuzela is not a great African tradition, it's an oversized plastic childrens' horn that pisses most normal people off, and only surfaced about 10 years ago.

Some of the above has my personal interpretation to add a little spice but here is Brian Moore's full article, it is well worth a read.

Customer Service? Bollocks!

Some stores are just too big. If they are furniture or DIY stores asssociated with very strong colours too, such as blue and yellow or orange, then they must be avoided.

In fairness the big orange DIY store, let's call it P&Q, is usually fine, not just because they employ older staff in orange aprons either, but because all the staff are generaly pleasant and helpful. But their store at Bamber Bridge near Preston is shite! The big blue and yellow furniture shop is shite everywhere, apart from their meatballs which are nearly as good as mine, but that's another story and seems to be a man thing.

To cut a long story short we ordered nearly £1,500 of flooring last Sunday from the big orange store (P&Q). Ten minutes after leaving the store I got a call, they had cocked up the order. No worries, I went back and it was sorted. Or so I thought. They promised to phone me within 15 minutes to confirm the order. What seemed to blow their minds was that I was ordering in one store but the flooring was to be delivered from another.

Over an hour later I got a phone call querying the order and asking me the price. Asking me the price! I was honest and told them the price per square metre. They told me it was actually double. Oh shit! But I then realised, me not the man in the orange apron, that he had quoted the pack price, which carried about two square metres. My price was actually correct. I then took my seat to watch the cricket.

During the next three hours I had three more phone calls. The last two, an hour apart, from two different people confirming that the order was fine and would be delivered on Thursday (today). Great stuff. So I arranged the fitter for 8-00 Saturday morning.

Yesterday lunchtime, the day before delivery, I got a call telling me that only part of the order was available and that the rest would be with me next week some time, there had been a fault on their system. A conversation then ensued. I told them I wanted the problem resolving within an hour or I expected a full refund.

Half an hour later I was told that they could complete the order but it might have to be Friday rather than today. I asked him to check and confirm as either day was fine. He later phoned me back and confirmed that the delivery would be on Friday (tomorrow). That was fine, no problem. The problem, with patience and perseverance on my part, had been resolved.

Half an hour later the phone rang. There was an apology, they don't deliver to Lancaster on a Friday. Well under the circumstances, and £1,500 spent couldn't an exception be made? No. I asked to speak to the manager. She would phone me back within 15 minutes. So I trawled their website and found their customer service number, which is in Scotland, and in true Monty Python style, I registered my complaint in very high dudgeon. They were very sympathetic, good training I suppose, but it would take 24, or maybe 48 hours for my complaint to hit their system.

An hour later the store manager from Bamber Bridge rang. Absolute waste of space. She sounded like a Little Britain tribute: "Computer says no". She even had to ask a colleague for the surname of the person I had been dealing with, which gave her a good giggle I know because she didn't cover the phone properly. Her story was not a system fault, oh no, she told me they had found that part of our original delivery was damaged. She was worse than useless and I can see why that big orange store in Bamber Bridge is such a shambles.

So last night I went off to watch Lancashire, always a pleasure especially when trying to put an afternoon of shit behind you. Then, at 7-00pm I got a text message from P&Q, maybe on the Orange network, confirming delivery this morning. So when the shite is it coming?

This morning I phoned customer service to check as each time I have phoned the store in Bamber Bridge it has been answered by a caveman who can only grunt. Delivery was confirmed for tomorrow and the attitude of the manager, and the stupid text, have now been added to my complaint.

What a nightmare. But the worst thing is probably sat on the end of a phone while these huge companies play stupid music down it interspered with the odd message telling you how important your custom is. So why can't they be arsed hiring enough staff to save you hanging around on hold for half an hour every time you ring?

And from the government down, don't you just know that the more they harp on about how important you are, how valued you are, how you are in their thoughts 24 hours a day, that they are really just dreaming up more and more excruciating ways to give you a damn good metaphorical bloody seeing to and charging you ever more for the sodding privelege?

Bastards all!

By the way, it's B&Q, I changed the name to protect the guilty.

Jean Michel Jarre for Bastille Day

OK, Bastille Day was yesterday but I was too busy. So to make amends here is a clip from Jean Michel Jarre's excellent Rendezvous Houston for my French friends for yesterday:

Banning the Burqa

The French MPs have once again exhibited the Gallic love of authoritarianism by voting to ban the burqa, having banned the crucifix from classrooms and elsewhere some time ago.

One of the arguments used to support a ban on the burqa is that some muslim women are allegedly forced to wear it. So how does banning all muslim women from wearing it display tolerance and freedom?

I don't like the burqa myself but that is not grounds for banning it. I don't like Marmite but don't want it banned. Any person, political party or group supporting a burqa ban and claiming to be libertarian is either lying or seriously deluded.

Jon Gaunt, Ignorant Pigs and Nazis

If you didn't know Jon Gaunt lost his job as a shock jock, a kind of poor man's Howard Stern , for upsetting a politically correct prat from South London if I remember. As the politically correct moron was gobbing off his authoritarian bile on a particular issue Gaunt likened him to a Nazi and I believe then called him "an ignorant pig". For this he was referred to Ofcom and sacked by the wimps and farts at TalkSport.

I used to listen to Gaunt occasionally but found him annoying, especally his habit of referring to himself in the third person such as "Gaunty did this" or "Gaunty thinks the other". But if he really pissed me off I changed channels. Gaunt broke no laws but was sacked for offending somebody, somewhere, in some way. How our freedom of speech has been eroded by the pinko-liberal corrupting politically correct morons currently in charge. Personally I found everything Blair did or said offensive, shame I couldn't get him sackd for it. Gaunt will continue to fight his case and is appealing, I wish him luck.

Today I heard him interviewed on the BBC by Richard Bacon. Of course Bacon was all for regulators censoring what the public hear because the wet fart didn't think presenters "should offend people". When pushed by Gaunt he couldn't define what he meant by "offensive" quite obviously, because what causes one person offence doesn't another. What the patronising plonker (Bacon) seemed to be saying was that if there was no regulator, costing us £144m a year by the way, then the airwaves would be filled with presenters effing and blinding all day. Well you, Bacon, might be that kind of ignorant prat, please don't assume that all people are as sad and pathetic as you.

I agreed with Gaunt 100% in his assertion that an individuals off button is the best form of censorship.

Oh yes, the BBC isn't covered by Ofcom, it is self-regulated by the BBC Trust.

Trouble in Belfast

It's not been a good few days for those fond of orange, what with Holland losing the final and Orangemen getting attacked as they marched in Belfast.

The last time I was in Nothern Ireland, about six years ago, there was widespread cynicism verging on ridicule about the officially stated arms decomissioning. Real people, not idiot politicians like Blair, knew that the peace process would only last so long.

Let's face it, if you put murdering bastards like McGuiness and Adams in positions of power eventually they will grab for more power until they have complete power. In the last twenty years they have been proved absolutely right in their belief that the bomb and the bullet can get them what they want.

No wonder the pair look so smug when you see them on TV. OK the trouble at the moment is nowhere near previous levels, but let's see how long it takes.

Rape and Anonymity

There was a debate on the radio today about how parliament is split along gender lines on the the question of anonymity for those accused of rape. I don't see why. I've always wondered, especially when a rape accusation proves to be purely malicious, that mens' identities are not protected until charged and a trial takes place. Womens' identities, as victims, are quite rightly protected so surely what is being advocated by the government is gender equality.

Angela Eagles, a Labour shadow minister, was arguing that this would make women less likely to report rape. Why? How many women, having been raped, would even consider the anonymity of the accused when reporting the crime? I would say none. That is a spurious argument that shows a lack of real substance to those opposing the measure.

Aside from murder I can think of no worse crime than rape. Anonymity is the only way to protect an innocent man from the 'no smoke without fire' brigade, be that family members, friends, neighbours, colleagues or the malicious, self-righteous lynch mob.

Back in England

Landing back in Blighty we picked up on the bizarre drama of Raoul Moat. At first we thought armed police were trying to track down the former lead singer of the Mavericks, a bit of a shame because I quite liked them. Then I remembered that the singer is Raul Malo.

No, Raoul Moat is the musclebound psycho, probably pumped up with steroids, who is hiding in the woods in Northumberland with a gun. We did hear of the shooting when we were away but were not aware that the UN had sent in special forces from armies throughout the world to track him down. Well, the police in Northern Ireland are in on the act as, are the Metropolitan Police and numerous other forces' armoured units and we did actually hear on one radio station, while driving up from Dover, that the SAS were milling around. But surely the SAS would have had him by now. After all, Osama bin Laden hiding in a cave in the Hindu Kush is one thing, a derainged bodybuilder kipping in a bivouac in Northumbeland is another, surely?

Mind you, hearing the police press conference yesterday, some woman who sounded like Cilla Black and a bloke who sounded about as enthusiastic as Alan Shearer on moggadon, it's no surprise they are spending over £500,000 a day trying to catch him and achieving sod all.

Doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the forces of law and order does it? Then again, if you call your son Raoul, and he's growing up in working class Newcastle, and he's a ginger, then you're storing up problems for the future really, as we now see.

Au Revoir La Belle France

Impersonating a mole in the morning, coming up for air somewhere near Folkestone. So goodbye to France for now, we'll be back soon no doubt, we can't stay away.

Here then, is our little tribute which I'm sure will be taken in the spirit in which it is meant:



Or if you don't like that then berets off and stand to attention for this:

Labour Party Pillocks

I can't believe Labour Party supporters. It's 20 years since Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister but the sad lefties in Britain still whine about her and blame her for all the ills of today. In fact they whine more about her today than they did in 1992 or 1997.

Then today I heard some Labour Party pillock complaining that the ConDem government in the UK are still, ten weeks after the general election, blaming today's problems on Labour! Only ten weeks, after Labour spent 13 years wrecking the country? What an utter pillock.

But of course, ten weeks ago people were so unfair on the Labour Party. After all they have so many good ideas and policies to bring a brighter future to Britain, yet voters seemed determined to judge them on their last 13 years of government. How damn unfair.

No wonder Labour supporters are so bitter. They are all pillocks after all!

Le Pont de Normandie

As the end of a holiday approaches it's always a little sad. But then you think of the renovated Schloss awaiting you, your little furry pets and that first chicken madras. It's not a bad life.

Then tomorrow, as we head for Calais from Honfleur, we will have the pleasure of crossing Le Pont de Normandie.

Le Tour de France-Bradley Wiggins

You can keep up with Britain's hope in Le Tour, Bradley Wiggins, by following Dave Brailsford's Blog.

Up to now it sounds, after two stages, like carnage with the peleton crossing the line en masse today in Spa after Wiggins, Armstrong the Schlecks and others crashed on what sounds like a typically bad Belgian road surface.

Chavanel leads at the moment.

Holidays In France

We've been coming to France for years and have never known it as quiet as it is this year. There are few British tourists, fewer Dutch and even fewer German tourists about than we've ever seen at this time of year. We've seen two Italian registration plates, which is unusual although there has been a gradual decline in the numbers of Italians over the last ten years.

It's not as if we have stayed in one place. We drove from Calais to Bergerac via Blois then back via Bordeaux to St Jean de Monts then via Nantes to Honfleur, over 1,500 miles up to now.

Talking to locals there are bars and cafes closing down as there are pubs closing down in the UK. Many British people who moved here are returning to the UK, especially those who need to work as the French are reluctant to employ foreign labour.

We were out for a meal tonight and most of the restaurants around the harbour were empty, or at best had a couple of tables occupied. Some have slashed their prices, the really empty ones haven't.

Interestingly we have seen more Irish people than any other nationality in the last few days. Maybe a last hurrah before the Celtic Tiger is slain?

Gay Marriage

It seems that the new British government, or the coalition government as it is constantly referred to, is carrying on where the old one left off. Rather than scrapping the equality apparatus that causes so much resentment they have put Lynne Featherstone in charge. The only thing worse than a patronising Lib Dem interfering and trying to equalise, is a patronising Lib Dem called Lynne Featherstone being in charge.

They are now talking about forcing the introduction of a religious element into civil partnership ceremonies. It is odd for two reasons in my view. Many religions do not accept homosexuality and I doubt that gay couples would choose to have an element of a religion that condemns homosexuality in their civil ceremony anyway. Secondly If a religion that is fully accepting of homosexual relationships wants to conduct a civil partnership, or a marriage, then why did the existing legislation disallow it?

This shows why state approved equality is a joke. Just leave people to get on with things. All couples in relationships should have the same legal rights under the law, end of story. But if one religion is happy to bless a relationship fine, if another religion is not prepared to bless a relationship then that is their right. It has bugger all to do with the state.

Why I'm Glad Ghana Lost

Sat having a coffee at lunchtime I heard a little English boy asking his mum what all the noise was about last night. She told him they were all cheering on Ghana in the football match. He then asked why they were all cheering Ghana on. She replied that it was because they were the last black team left in the tournament. How bloody crass, patronising, pathetic and in some perverse way racist is that?

Throughout this World Cup I have found the attitude of the pinko liberal classes sickening and patronising, nothing new there then. Little black fella hero, big white European man bad. Obsessing about the emerging footballing nations, such as Ghana, South Africa, Nigeria and Ivory Coast but bollocks to emerging nations such as North/South Korea, Japan, New Zealand, Australia and the USA. No, they aren't black enough are they?

Yes we all have teams we favour when our own nation isn't playing, or has been thumped by the Germans in our case, but isn't choosing your team along racial lines a bit, you know, racist? I have a soft spot for Paraguay myself, not because of any patronising attitude to little Latinos but because I enjoyed spending some time there a few years ago. I suppose that makes me the racist by not supporting them for the 'right' reasons!

The British Abroad

It's time for the truth. When on holiday we tend to avoid other British people, especially in France and especially ex-pats. There, that feels better.

So let me now get really bitchy. It's the posh buggers who really tend to piss us off. The ones who sit in cafes talking very loudly about whatever career made them so wealthy, usually now retired, and how tourists are spoiling their favourite bastide towns. Of course they are on holiday, but it's the 'plebs' who are the 'tourists' in their eyes, meaning everybody but themselves.

They then rattle on about the marvellous food at Chez le Ripoff in Chateugorleymand-Sur-Le-Rive Planchette, a definite throwing down of the gauntlet to somebody like me. So that night you tootle off to lower the tone of Chez le Ripoff. After pate ou salad followed by duck ou steak ou pizza finished off with glace ou creme brulee ou assiete de fromage, yet again, you leave the place as it shuts at 9 00pm, wondering what the crashing old bore was on about, it was the same menu as in every other restaurant in every other town in France. Apart, of course, from the one regional speciality such as cassoulet, snails or tartiflette. That's the problem with so many British people who drool over France, they believe the myth of French food.

Then you get told by some herbert on the next table in the cafe you really must visit the market which opens tomorrow at 8 00am, but be sure to get there early. So you crawl out of your pit and stroll around the market. Wow, look at that selection of sausages and salamis. Wow, look at that cheese stall. Wow, look at that fruit and veg stall, and that one there, and that other one. Wow look at that caravan selling rotisserie chickens, just the same as those in Carrefour but three times as expensive. In fact you see that all the stuff is exactly the same as in the supermarket, but at least twice as much. But we must keep up the myth of the wonderful French markets, after all we're British.

We went on a short trip down the river from Bergerac this week, very nice it was too. But we had to keep our heads down as there was a foursome of crashng bores from the Home Counties over the aisle, or is it gangway on a boat? Anyway, they actually complained that on the hour long trip we hadn't seen a single chateau, and there had been one on the leaflet. The poor girl had to explain that the leaflet was for trips by the same company in various locations, this one had no chateaux. They were still chunnering about it, very loudly, an hour later in a cafe in the old town.

Then there are the boring ex-pats. Obviously not all of them are bad, we were with a great couple of ex-pats this week, but being sweepingly generalistic ex-pats are to be avoided comme le plague!

We met a couple this week, twenty years in the Dordogne, who still spoke as if they were the heroes who had colonised Mars rather than Eymet. Their big proof of assimilating was going to Catholic mass, even though Anglicans, it really gave them that French feeling. Bugger me, I've been going to mass for 50 years, I must be a Frenchman! They still moaned about the heat, and how cold it was in the winter. They moaned about the French breakfast cereal, but knew where to buy British. Of course they kept up with Eastenders on satellite and couldn't do without their Sunday morning fru ups. They were aghast that we weren't contemplating moving there for good. Why stay in England?

Now then, Eymet, a place only to be visited with a submachine gun and enough live rounds to obliterate all the ex-pats. There is even an ex-pat cricket team and every cafe table seems to have an obligatory retird colonel gobbing off to an ex-pat retired engineer about how things in Blighty are falling apart. Course colonel, we're just waiting for your coup so you can save us all, run up the flag at 6 00pm every night and raise your gin and tonic to Her Majesty, just how you do every night in Eymet.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot. Ignore that self-knocking British bollocks too, usually by British people trying to be oh so Francais, about dress sense. It is definitely the Germans who are the worst dressed, closely followed by the Dutch with the French coming up on the rails. Give the British their due, sartorially we are currently way ahead but of course, the British love knocking themselves, don't they?!!

Le Tour de France 2010-Rotterdam-The Beautiful South

Aujourd'hui est le jour. le Grand Depart of Le Tour de France 2010. This year, for only the fourth time in its history I think, it leaves from the Netherlands, Rotterdam to be exact.

Can Lance Armstrong (pictured after training in Rotterdam yesterday) make it an incredible eighth win? What about Mark Cavendish from the Isle of Man and Preston based Bradley Wiggins ? And it's all on ITV 4.

Finally, has there ever been a better excuse for introducing Rotterdam by The Beautiful South?



Move over nancy boy footballers, the true heroes are about to take over the wonderful word of sport.

Pete Reidy

Here's another belter from Pete Reidy:



Keep up the good work Pete, another belter.

Back on t'Interweb

After living in splendid isolation since last Friday, with no access to the internet, we are now in a Campanile in La Roch-Sur-Yon with wi-fi, the French are catching up slowly, and can't think of much to say after a 6 hour drive. But here is what little there is:

England were crap.

Capello was crap.

Gerrard was crap.

Terry was crap and is a useless prick with no brains or talent.

Take away the foreign stars around most English players and they are shown up for what they are; crap.

That's it.

La Belle France

While the West Wing is being renovated we have left the staff looking after the workmen and decided to migrate south, just about to partake of foie gras and a nice bottle of Monbazillac in Blois. Our final destination, due there tomorrow in time for a hearty lunch, is Bergerac.

What has struck us on our slow meander down France is that the schoolgirls look like schoolgirls rather than apprentice slappers like so many English schoolgirls. We had also forgotten how delicious the French bread is and what good service you get in cafes, hotels and restaurants. Not forgetting the glorious sunshine, duck, wine and armagnac. Might even catch a day or two of Le Tour.

So blogging will be rare these next couple of weeks as we will be guzzling top class food and wine, paying little attention to the world outside.

Au revoir!

Bastard State

I got a letter this morning from the DVLA telling me that my photo on my licence is about to expire, just as many of us will physically expire soon under the weight of red tape and bureaucracy.

So I have a form D798 to complete, a passport type photo to get and a £20 fee to pay. Thieving bastards!

Why can't they just look at my photo, nod sagely and conclude that yes, that photo was me at 40 and they can see that I am now fatter, balder and carrying a few more lines as a result of a combination of 10 years high living and state induced stress? Too simple I suppose.

The Good Old Days

Just found the following ad that was in cinemas before the new puritan era, late 70s or early 80s I think:



The ads are still better than many of the programmes on TV or films in the cinema.

Wayne Rooney, England and the World Cup

Wayne Rooney was spot on having a go at the jeering England 'fans'. Yet again the fans of the national team have proved themselves to have no class. Real football fans don't jeer their own team after a game as the players leave the pitch. Criticise them in the bars after the game yes, but don't boo your own players.

A lot of real football fans don't bother with England games because of the poor support. If you are a United fan you will have to listen to your own players, in England shirts, being abused by the jealous fans of other clubs and you may even cop for personal abuse or even physical violence yourself if a United fan.

So they spent a load of money going to South Africa. If they did that expecting England to win then they must be clueless about football and stupid too. Spending a wad of cash does't mean your team will win. That's the difference between supporters and fans, fans are fanatical which is illogical, supporters are going for the entertainment and, if they don't get the entertainment they want, they react the way England's supporters did last night.

I used to travel all over Europe watching United before the Glazers took over and yes we would criticise a poor display on the plane home, but cheer the lads off the field after the game. England supporters have no class.

To put it in perspective you have a shit day at work. How would you feel about all your colleagues booing and jeering you as you leave the office? Then how would you feel about going back to work the next day?

Good on you Wayne, bollocks to the jeering fans!

RBS and the European Union

I'm no financial wizard, ask my bank manager, but I did get an Economics 'O' level. Having said that I've about as much idea how to run a country's economy as Gordon Brown, in other words zilch. For example when the banks were going tits up why didn't we just let them go and just leave the healthy ones to survive?

Now we have the European Union bossing us about, never a good thing. They have told the government, meaning us as it is the taxpayers who own RBS, that we must sell off over 300 branches to be fair to our competitors.

What next? When Manchester United next play in Europe will they have to sell half their squad to the opposition to give them a fair chance? It doesn't make sense to me.

Bloody Sunday-The Saville Report

The Saville Report has proved two things, that the IRA have won and that Cameron, with his grovelling apology, is every bit as big a shit as Brown, Blair and the rest.

The squaddies fight back.

Pamplona Bull Run

We were out to dinner on Sunday and got talking about our trip to Pamplona a few years ago. If you are off to Pamplona next month good luck, you'll need it. But never relax thinking you've done it, learn from this video and don't relax until you're in a bar at about lunchtime!



And not a vuvuzela to be heard!

Health and Safety

So the government has announced a review of health and safety legislation, no doubt wasting millions of pounds in the process. Tell you what, I'll save them a fortune, for £1m I'll do it for them. Here's the result:

Scrap it all and tell people to use their commonsense. Then, if they have a mishap, tell them it's down to experience, that's life.

Belgium Mirroring the EU?

Belgium is often cited as the model for the European Union, which it increasingly seems to be. Just as the EU is unloved and largely unwanted so is the Belgian state to many in that country. At the time of the World Cup it is worth bearing in mind that there is little passion in Belgium for the national football team, a sign of a lack of national identity.

Now, with Begium's economy being compared to Greece's, the survival of Belgium as a single state is in doubt with Flemish nationalists achieving excellent results in the Belgian elections. Who knows, the Belgian state could crumble just as the EU state crumbles, leaving behind a series of mini-states as EU regionalisation splits previous nations apart, as the fall of communism did in Eastern Europe.

Interesting times.

Vuvuzelas and Suicide Notes

Found by the body of a fat man in a replica England shirt, with a bottle of whisky in one hand an empty bottle of pills in the other:

My Dear Family

I've waited for months to watch the World Cup but I can't bear it any more. The horns, aka Vuvuzelas for some reason, are eating at my brain. I have nightmares and can't sleep. Death seems the only release.

Please forgive me but suicide is the only option.

I'd rather be Robert Green than hear another bloody horn.

Darren

Following my post on Friday about the World Cup things have got a whole lot worse. I spoke to quite a few people yesterday who are either not watching the World Cup now, or watching only the England games, others are watching games but with the sound down.

It must be some kind of post-apartheid punishment on the rest of the world.

Word Cup South Africa 2010

Am I the only person in the world who is already sick of the slobbering and drooling over South Africa?

When the World Cup is held anywhere else the host country isn't treated like the most spoilt little bastard in the neighbourhood. So South Africa suffered apartheid for years and is now a democracy, with all the associated problems, surely it's time we stopped patronising them and treated them like any other country. What is interesting is that South Africa is the first African country considered fit to host the world's biggest sporting occasion, despite its recent history.

On BBC radio this morning the oh so politically correct reporters have been drooling about how the people of Soweto are the most fanatical football supporters in the world. Are they really? And how South Africans are the best singers in the world. They haven't heard Chico's World Cup song! In fact South Africa is truly Heaven on Earth. In fact Heaven is shit by comparison.

They've been drooling about the wonderous Vuvuzelas of the South African fans. I thought these must be some ancient mystical charm that would ensure South African victory, but the really annoying horns in the background were driving me to distraction. Sorry, they weren't just annoying horns, they were the bloody Vuvezelas as modelled by the Elton John tribute artist above. If they are going to be blaring through every game I'll be watching with the sound off, they're worse than that bloody band that follows England around.

Then up pops Jeremy Hardy on Twitter to make the following statement:

"I hate the World Cup. The whole of England is decked out like a Loyalist estate".

Really Jeremy? Only if you're a brain dead Marxist bastard who should have been shot at birth. But then again, the politically correct despise ther own but worship all things foreign, like South Africa. Blind, obsessive love of any country in Africa or Asia is fine, but a show of patriotic fervour about a sporting event has you likened to a gun wielding religious bigot who is a danger to the world. What a wanker!

So, just to show a huge v-sign, in my own small way, to wankers like Jeremy Hardy, we are now proudly flying a Cross of St George outside the Schloss Beaman.

Having said all that I am sure it will be an excellent World Cup and I wish I was there.

Football Songs-Fat Les, New Order and Black Grape

Three of my favourites. Can you spot Matt Lucas in one of them?



Incredibly this one was New Order's only No 1 in the UK:



Black Grape with Joe Strummer and Lily's dad popping up again. 'My wife's lactating and I'm spectating', you don't get a line like that in your average football song:

The Queen and the World Cup

As the World Cup approaches I can't help wondering about the position of the British Royal Family in certain scenarios.

When Greece play, does Prince Philip get kebabs delivered and sink a bottle of Ouzo watching the game while smashing plates on the palace floor?

If, as seems inevitable at some stage, England play Germany is the Queen a Windsor or does she don a replica Germany shirt and revert to Frau Saxe Coburg Gotha? After all there are millions of people claiming to be Irish because they drink in a bar called O'Flaherty's and once visited Dublin, much more tenuous than Lizzie's Germanic heritage.

But if Germany should win the World Cup again, especially if they knock England out, could it trigger a constitutional crisis? Would there be calls for the Queen to abdicate in favour of a full bloodied English monarch. A man such as Prince Harry.

The FIFA World Cup Guide

Our noble army of Ingerlund fans have started arriving in foreign parts. But we really know the World Cup is approaching because the health fascists have kicked off before the games have.

It's strange this year because there haven't been dire warnings of violence in South Africa, probably because there is so much there normally anyway it'll just blend in, and the police at airports haven't been confiscating passports from people wearing football shirts on their way to Cape Town or Marbella. But paranoia is still rampant.

What is really surprising this time is that the health fascist paranoics are targetting us, the armchair fans. I've seen fascists in the media lecturing us about reducing our alcohol intake when Ingerlund play. My problem with that is if I don't get completely bladdered I remember how shit the game was the next day, that's not good, especially if you remember who missed that final penalty in the shoot out with Germany/Argentina/Portugal/Italy etc.

They've also been lecturing us about eating healthy food such as Meditteranean salad, veggie kebabs and low fat dips with your portion of two Pringles per game. Now in my humble opinion that is never going to rescue your liver from the fifteen pints of lager, two bottles of wine and half a bottle of Bacardi consumed thanks to the early kick offs. And that's before you go out to drown your sorrows, or a German tourist if they beat us.

I was brought up believing that mopping that level of alcohol up, thus avoiding cirrhosis, needs pork scratchings (x 6 packets), cheese and onion crisps (x 10 packets) and a donner kebab at half time followed by chipsticks (x 4) and a packet of Dorritos with full fat hummus for the second half. Then after the game a chicken vindaloo, Bombay potato, keema rice and a garlic nan finished off with a mango kulfi, all washed down with four pints of Kingfisher.

Just to be on the safe side you should then ideally have half a pound of stilton and an optional half bottle of port when you stagger back to the house. If indigestion is a worry have two or three large measures of Armagnac before bed. If you still remember the awful game and are worried about a sleepless night then open a decent malt such as The Glenlivet and have two or three decent measures before bo-bos.

Now that's what real football fans do with the cash they save from staying at home to watch it on the telly. That's also why you see so many fat tattoed men walking about in replica Ingerlund shirts that are so tight they look like whole body tattoos.

But the strangest warning from a nannying organisation this year is to wives and girlfriends. They are basically being told to leg it if Ingerlund lose because they are liable for a bit of domestic violence. Bollocks! The thing with multi-racial Britain is that whoever beats Ingerlund, there is always some Johnny from foreign parts to batter rather than your loved ones.

For example my neighbour is a Yank, now he'd better hope for a good Ingerlund result on Saturday night. Meanwhile Mrs B is desperately trying to find an Algerian living locally for next Wednesday, just in case.

John Cooper Clarke-Majorca

Having organised the insurance for our holiday I needed some light relief, dealing with insurance is always such a pain, and got thinking about the Salford Bard and Majorca. Here it is:



But then again, when on holiday pies are something you do miss:

Halford's Tour Series 2010-Southport

The Tour Series is back and Tuesday night is the Southport leg. If you've never seen professional cycle racing before you really must give this a look, it's really spectacular.

Lancashire Police Are Sick!

At lunchtime I popped into my local Sainsbury's. As I crossed the car park I saw a wreck of a car outside the main entrance to the supermarket. It looked like it had been dropped from the sky, it couldn't have been driven there and it was sealed off by police tape.

When I got up close there was a notice from Lancashire Police warning you that this would happen to you if you drink and drive. It was a police stunt!

What next? The body of a murder victim? Or somebody lay there battered and bleeding after a mugging because the police are crap and waste their time, and our taxes, on sick stunts instead of doing a proper job?

It's enough to drive you to drink.

Falling Down or Cracking Up?

The 1993 Michael Douglas film Falling Down was one of those films that leaves a deep impression, or at least it did on me. Modern life just ground him down until he snapped and went on the rampage.

I don't know why the man in Cumbria did what he did yesterday but I sense a lot of people getting more than a little frustrated with modern life. That is not to excuse his actions in any way, they can't be excused, and maybe he has had some particularly tragic event in his life that drove him to it, I don't know. What I do know is that people are becoming increasingly angry at the modern way of life and, eventually, something must give. Let's look at a typical day or two.

Before you go to work you have to make a phone call about your utility bill being an estimated £5,000 for the last quarter. You get some ridiculous message about calls being monitored and recorded for training and quality purposes. Then you get a list of umpteen options with numbers to press for the one you need. Five options sound like they could be for you but you're not sure, so you press star and go back to the start. You press option five for the annoying message that tells you how they value your call but not enough to be arsed recruiting enough staff, so you will be in the queue until an operator becomes available. You then listen to Greensleeves for half an hour with a voice breaking in every minute to tell you you're in a queue.

Eventually you get those ridiculous security questions: What day of the week were you born? What colour underpants are you wearing? Do you prefer jam or marmalade on your toast? And finally what size hat do you take?. They then tell you that you have come through to the wrong department and you get plonked in another queue. So you decide to bugger off to work and sort the bill out another time.

On the way into the office you see the 40mph sign ahead on your deserted country road so build up your speed. In your rear mirror you see a blue light and pull into the next layby. Britain's equivalent of Chips, albeit with a Lancashire accent, struts up in his shades and patronisingly asks if you're in a hurry. Mumbling "for fuck's sake" under your breath is dangerous and gets you a twenty minute lecture on scraping bodies off motorways because of speeding motorists. So you grovel to shut him up, take your ticket and bugger off. What a day and you've not reached the office!

You park in a three hour bay because you're late thinking you must remember to move your car at 12-30. You end up with a real gasbag on the phone at 12-15 and it's actually 12-30 as you dash out of the office. You reach the car at 12-35 and the bastard has already ticketted you. You look around but the sod has well and truly scarpered. How do they do that?

You have to go to Manchester the next day and the thought of driving fills you with horror, so you phone to enquire about trains. If you go to Manchester from Lancaster on a Monday it's £30 return. But, if you wear red socks it's £28 on the 08-49. You can have a return fare after 09-00 for £12 but you have to return, via Glasgow, on the 23-59, arriving in Lancaster at 05-59 the following day. If you were born in the morning, before 1970, you get a special discount and so the complexities of the British train prices goes on, and on, and on. You decide to drive.

On the radio you hear that Manchester Airport has been closed after a security alert. It turns out a holidaymaker had tried to take a big bottle of shampoo on the plane. How dangerous! That reminds you of your friend who was driving into the airport with a van full of chemicals for cleaning out various tanks. Security checked him out and confiscated the yoghurt from his lunch box.

As you walk through Manchester from the car park you notice the CCTV cameras everywhere. They are there to protect you but only a few months ago the police put a security cordon around the city centre and searched eveybody entering for a night out. Proof that CCTV doesn't actually work? Then you remember that this is the city where a poor sod was nicked under anti-terror laws for supposedly taking a photo of a manhole cover. After having his computers checked and his film removed from his camera by the police he was released without charge.

You can't help wondering who we need protecting from.

Supporting Israel

Why is it that every Tom, Dick and Harry thinks it's open season on Israel? George Galloway and his ilk go over there stirring the pot while condemning the USA and every other western country for imperialism, now nearly 1000 interfering sods from around the world think it's OK to sail into Gaza with weapons including machetes and guns. It's sad that people lost their lives, and maybe it wasn't the IDF's best ever operation, but I applaud Israel for defending herself.

Those who took part in the attempt to break the Israeli blockade of Gaza are dangerous lunatics with an agenda. If Israel lifted the blockade then Iran would be in a position to start shipping weapons to the Palestinians, as they have done previously, surely that could only escalate the violence. While life may be difficult in Gaza people are not starving. When questions are asked about the military operation it may be a good idea to find out why Turkey allowed the boats to sail in the first place.

I just hope that those condemning Israel today aren't the same people who so often wish that our government stood up for us a bit more robustly.

David Laws and the Politics of Hypocrisy

So the new government is no better than the last one. Is anybody really surprised?

Cameron, Osborne and others creeping around fraudster David Laws made me feel nauseous this weekend. A man of integrity? He fiddled his expenses to keep quiet the fact that he is gay. That makes him a stinking hypocrite as well as a fraudster and Cameron and company are no better for defending him.

As well as all that, they look forward to welcoming him back into government when he is ready! How's that for sticking two fingers up at the electorate? I'm sure they could bump David Chaytor and his pals into the House of Lords and give them government positions in the coalition too.

Soldier Boy by Pete Reidy

I was doing some TV extra work this week and it's amazing the people you meet when you do that. This week it was musical people, Billy who plays drums in a band and Mel who was a professional singer before retiring a few years back. You really do meet some interesting and entertaining people doing that kind of work.

On Thursday I heard Billy talking to a fella who'd just written a song and put it on YouTube, so I checked his name and it was Pete Reidy, and the song was called Soldier Boy.

I was working on Friday too so stayed over in Manchester on Thursday night. Today I cranked up the old laptop and had to have a butchers. What a fantastic song, it really sums up the public mood of the time, God bless our troops they make us so proud but bring them home, we don't want the war. For me it is the best protest song I've heard in years, part protest song part tribute to the British forces.

I hope Pete doesn't mind me bunging it on here, I think it deserves as wide an airing as possible:



If you liked it here is Pete Reidy's website

John Prescott and David Laws-Stinking Hypocrites

Let's start with the fat Yorkshire pudding acoss the Pennines in Hull. The slob made himself out to be the archetypal working class hero, a semi-articulate one but so be it. Then Blair, the arch-hypocrite and most patronising scumbag on the planet, made him Deputy Prime Minister.

You don't have to be a genius to see that Labour became the enemy of the so-called 'working classes' many years ago, in fact the day it was founded. But those 'working class heroes' deluded enough to think Labour were worth a vote were also stupid enough to think that Prescott represented Labour's gallant working class conscience. Blair appointed him because he knew how gulible the idiots in the Labour Party are, he thought it gave his authoritarian control freakery a veneer of old fashioned socialist paternalism. Patronising shit!

So Prescott got fatter and fatter on the perks of office, financed by our ever soaring taxes and became the typical decadent slob bureaucrat by shagging his secretary and building up a nice collection of Jags. He then even managed to get caught on camera playing Croquet. Sodding Croquet for God's sake!

But now he's really shown himself up for the hypocritical twat he is by moving up to the House of Lords. It was probably what he had to agree to to be forgiven by Mrs Prescott for playing away.

Then you get the shiny new men of principle in government the Lib Dems and whoops, they're not as clean as they pretend to be, which we all knew anyway, and David Laws complains to the Standards Commissioner about himself. What a pillock, outed as a homosexual because of fiddling his expenses. Who ever expected that to be a consequence of the snouts in the trough expenses scandal?

But what really got me was the fact that Laws is claiming that he only did it so that his sexuality wouldn't be revealed. Now that very admission proves he knew his claims were false and he should resign immediately from the government and be investigated by plod.

But the other big issue around Laws situation is that in 2010 a Lib Dem was scared of admitting his sexuality. If he is such a moral coward he should not be in government. If he thinks most of the public care about his sex life he is deluded and should not be in government. If he was scared of the reaction from within his own party at being outed then the Lib Dems are unfit to be in government. Actually the Lib Dems aren't fit to be in government but I'm sure you take my point.

So these two examples prove one thing about our coalition government. It's business as usual.

Babies For Sale in Lancashire!

We'll have a boy and a girl please. About 3 months old, twins preferably.

Actually I think they should word their advertising board for a sale of baby clothes and stuff a bit more clearly. Wording it like that they are likely to get dragged off by social services never to be seen again, even with our new enlightened coalition replacing the Stalinist New Labour project.

Or is there something sinister happening a few miles down the road in Morecambe and Lancaster?

Caroline Flint-Another Deluded Politician

This morning I heard Caroline Flint MP, former Europe Minister, whining about the new government and claiming that DNA databases and CCTV surveillance were actually there to preserve our freedom, not to destroy it. She still doesn't realise that turning Britain into prison island was a large part of the reason Labour lost on May 6th.

I've just found yet another superb article about this on Big Brother Watch.

Well worth a look.

Snow Frolic from Love Story-Francis Lai

It's well worth a listen in my humble opinion.

British Airways: Let's Do The Timewarp

It seems that senior Unite figures, Unite being one of the last dinosaurs roaming the Earth, are accepting that British Airways are about to defeat the union and hopefully wreck it once and for all in the process.

The last few months have shown the lemming like quality of certain neanderthals in what remains of the Trade Union movement, it's like being in a 1970s timewarp. The country is in the shit, British Airways are in the shit so the cabin crew, extremely well paid compared to many in other airlines, go on strike. How very 1970s.

At weekend it came to light that Derek Simpson, one of the head neanderthals in Unite, when in vital talks with BA management, was Tweeting updates to the outside world under the table like a naughty schoolboy, which shows how much he really wants to resolve the dispute. It led to scruffy urchins from the Socialist Workers Party, what a contradiction in terms that name is for a political party, raiding the building where the talks were taking place.

Maybe about 1000 years ago there was a need for Trade Unions, but since 1945 they have done nothing but shaft the working class and hold them down. I look forward to the day when people in this country wake up, resign their memberships of Trade Unions and consign the whole lot of them to the waste bin of history.

Up the workers!

News of the World Stings

The Duchess of York is a rough old slapper and like so many people in public life today, has no morals or integrity. So she does a lot for charity, big deal. Her charitable work involves high profile fundraising events in some of the world's best hotels with some of the world's 'most beautiful people'. Useful but not the grinding, emotionally draining charity work that millions of British people do day in, day out.

Having said that am I the only one a bit pissed off with the News of the World trapping people in sting operations? Let's face it if I was offered £500,000 to introduce you to a member of my family I wouldn't think twice.

In fact £50 would probably do the trick!

Lance Armstrong and Le Tour de France

I confess that Lance Armstrong is my all time sporting hero. Anybody who can win Le Tour de France seven times is a sporting genius, to do it after beating testicular cancer puts him up there with the Gods. On top of that he must be the most drug tested sportsman on the planet, but every test he has had has been negative.

But now drug cheat Floyd Landis, who won Le Tour in 2006 but became the first winner to be stripped of the title after testing positive, is pointing the finger, yet again, at Lance. This after it took Landis four years of wasting millions of dollars trying to clear his name before finally admitting that he actually is a drug cheat. The story appeared in today's Sunday Times.

I'm not a great one for conspiracy theories but Le Tour kicks off in a few weeks and there are high hopes that Britain's impact on this year's Tour could be groundbreaking. Bradley Wiggins is riding for the newly formed British outfit Team Sky with millions of pounds and some of cyclings finest coaches, riders and technicians we all hope that they will provide a British winner, if not this year then pretty soon.

Lance was on the podium last year when he came back, pretty under-prepared, from retirement. Surely Sky/Sunday Times wouldn't be involved in a dirty tricks campaign against Lance Armstrong. Would they?

The following is taken from a statement released by Lance's team, Team RadioShack:

"When no one in cycling capitulated to his numerous but persistent false threats, demands and rants, Floyd Landis publicly aired the false and incredible concoctions he has been privately making for years.

"In levelling these false and baseless accusations, Landis provided selected emails to multiple journalists in connection with his public statements on Wednesday evening. What was not conveyed were descriptions of the threatening text messages from Landis to others, including Lance Armstrong, that began more than two years ago.

"Most recently, and it was no coincidence that shortly after Landis was informed he and his team were unable to enter and compete in the 2010 Tour of California, Landis and his team owner sent emails to a variety of parties, including Amgen, the race sponsor, and to the president of Trek Bicycle, an Armstrong and RadioShack corporate sponsor.

"Landis later communicated directly with Armstrong and threatened to ‘say directly that I’m going to accuse you and our former team mates of using blood doping and performance enhancing drugs to help you to win the three Tours de France in which we raced together’. Armstrong’s response to Landis was identical to the responses to the same type of threatening text messages received from Landis two years ago — there would be no consideration, money, team positions or anything else given in exchange for not airing false accusations.

"The public has taken them for what they are worth — absolutely nothing."

Why not visit Lance Amstrong's charitable foundation Livestrong

For what it's worth I would love to see Lance Armstrong and Bradley Wiggins as joint winners this year!! OK, we can all dream.

Margarita Pracatan sings New York, New York on the Clive James Show

This is fantastic and is from 1996, which is frightening, it seems like yesterday. I bet she does a mean version of Yesterday too actually!

Diane Abbott!

When Diane Abbott throws her hat in the ring for the Labour leadership you know you're having your leg pulled.

Would any sane person vote for that misfit after seeing her cringe inducing performances with Portillo sucking up to prat of the year Andrew Neil on This Week?

Go on Labour members, I dare you, really finish your party off and vote for her.

Paraguay

In the 1990s we spent a few happy weeks in Paraguay. It was then in the last throws of military dictatorship, with General Rodriguez about to hand over to democratic government following the overthrow of Alfredo Stroessner. One Asuncion hotel in our South American Handbook carried a warning not to take an east facing room, as these looked onto the presidential palace and were liable to be hit by ricocheting bullets during attempted coups. Happy days.

Last month Alberto Cantero died. In the 1970s he was Stroessner's political chief in the Paraguayan national police. I'm sure you know what that involved. It was hoped that before he died he would inform the authorities where the graves of political prisoners from the Stroessner regime were located. Sadly he didn't, but another link to Paraguay's dictatorial past has now gone.

To balance that below is a song from popular Paraguayan singer Silvia Mariella. And good luck to Paraguay in South Africa, even though their training camp in France has just been robbed. Bloody French!

Libertarian v Fabian

The following has appeared on several other blogs so I'm not claiming it as my own. I'm reproducing it because it's good for a giggle, and quite accurate.

Libertarian / Fabian Explained


If a Libertarian doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Fabian doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Libertarian is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Fabian is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Libertarian sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A Fabian wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a Libertarian is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Fabian is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black person is Libertarian, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their Fabian counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a Libertarian is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Fabian demands someone take care of him.

If a Libertarian doesn’t like a TV programme, he changes channels.
Fabians demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a Libertarian is an athiest, he doesn’t go to church.
A Fabian non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a Libertarian decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A Fabian demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Libertarian slips and falls over, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a Fabian slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labour and then sues.

If a Libertarian reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Fabian will delete it because he’s “offended”.

Thank you to whoever originated it.

Harriet Harman's A Bitch!

At lunchtimeI heard Harriet the Harridan being interviewed on the radio. She was whining about how Labour have around 80 wimmin MPs but the Tories only have about 40. Well yippidee you stupid old harpy, perhaps that's why you just got well and truly walloped in a general election. But I doubt it.

Interestingly there doesn't look like being any wimmin in Labour's leadership election. But she reassured us that she would remain Deputy Leader, good enough reason not to vote Labour next time too then.

She then whined on about the reasons for Labour losing the election, claiming it was Lord Ashcroft's cash and the newspapers 'wot did for us'. Nothing to do with bombing the shit out of countries throughout the world, turning Britain into a police state and bankrupting us then? And of course coverage of Gordon the Cyclops calling a little old lady a bigot was pure media hostility.

Talk about being in denial.

Too Few Wimmin in the Cabinet-Who Cares?

A few rancid feminists have been whining about too few wimmin in the cabinet. Do you really want the likes of Hazel Blears, Harriet Harperson etc. ruling over you? Thought not.

Personally I don't give a shit how many wimmin, blacks, homosexuals or invalids are in the cabinet as long as they are good at the job. For once I think Libby Purves thinks similarly according to this article.

Oh no, Ant and Dec Miliband! Or the Boys from Brazil.

Somebody is taking the mickey now. Look at these two going for the Labour Party leadership:




After these two became Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister:



Who look just like Ant and Dec below:



Or are the top two the PM and Deputy and the...........? Oh stuff it.

The big question is whether or not our taxes pay for the laboratory that produces these clones!

Respecting Each Other

There has been a story in the news this week about a school in Ellesmere Port and a visit to a local mosque. The mosque sent the school a guide to dress and behaviour on their visit as the pupils were not muslim but Roman Catholic. I don't see a problem there, fair enough. I've visited Jewish sites in Europe and been asked to wear a skull cap, I was happy to do that, it's about respect.

But one mother in Ellesmere Port refused to dress her daughter 'modestly' to visit the mosque. Consequently the girl wasn't allowed on the trip and was marked as truant as her mother effectively refused to let her attend.

The mother declared that she refused to dress her daughter as requested as she is Catholic not muslim. Well I'm also a Catholic and believe that respect for other peoples' customs and religious beliefs come higher up the christian agenda than dress code.

There is a thin line between protecting your own beliefs and values and downright bigotry.

Ant and Dec Form New Government!

It really is confusing!

Coalition Government

Nick Clegg-Political Prostitute!

If you were dim enough to think the Lib Dems were any different I hope you've learnt otherwise over the last few days. They are the worst sort of political tarts, opportunists and and miscreants in British politics. Their leader has shown himself to be a self-seeking political prostitute.

Clegg's behaviour over the last few days makes even Jacqui Smith and David Chaytor look principled. Remember those two?

I was dreading the prospect of a second election this year but hope it now happens and the Lib-Dims get an even bigger kick up the arse than they got on May 6th, the patronising hypocrites.

More Labour Party Bollocks!

Senior, maybe senile Labour members, seem to have completely lost the plot judging by this article from Roy Hattersley.

Just two quotes from it sum it up:

"I am a great admirer of Peter Mandelson".

I've never been a believer in euthanasia but sometimes....

Then there's this utter bollocks:

"Making Labour a genuine libertarian party again...."

I thought that you once had to actually be something to become it again. Or maybe Hattersley just doesn't know what libertarianism is. Either way he's only fit for the knacker's yard now obviously.

Nick Clegg-The Breakup of the UK?

The more I see of Nick Clegg the more I dislike him. It's ironic that a TV journalist referred to him as Nick Cameron this morning, the only argument is which of the two is most vacuous. Cameron and Clegg become ever more like Ant and Dec, except Ant and Dec have some talent.

One of the arguments used by critics of PR is that it leads to coalition/weak government and months of backroom dealing after elections to agree on the weak government. Do they mean like this we are suffering at the moment? The sight of a loser like Clegg, leading a party that lost seats at the election, sanctimoniously lecturing us, the electors, on what he intends to do for our good makes me extremely pissed off and angry.

This the party that says, in rural constituencies that they oppose the hunting ban, and in urbans that they support it. The party that was desperate to join the Euro on day one, until the shit hit the fan. Now they claim to only want to join 'if the circumstances are right'. The party that wants to give an amnesty to hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants. The party whose leader, before the election, declared himself and his party not to be kingmakers, we were the kingmakers he said. Then get talking to the Tories and nobody else you bloody hypocrite. Whatever the outcome I suspect we will be in just as much shit as we were under Brown. Except the scummy Lib Dems will be strutting about like political peaccocks.

But if the Lib Dems were megalomaniac enough to form some kind of alliance with Labour and the Celtic Fringe we could kiss the UK goodbye. We English have tolerated and overindulged the Welsh, Scots and Irish for too long. For the English, who have overwhelmingly voted Conservative yet again, to have a ragtag army of losers like that lording it over us would surely be the final straw. Blair's devolution began the process of break up, that would surely light the blue touchpaper of English nationalism and see the English finally say enough is enough, let's go it alone.

New Government Announced-Shoplifters!

Whatever the occasion Morrissey seems to have said something pithy and to the point. At least shoplifters weren't planning a future war last night on Channel 4!



As long as they are bickering about the keys to No 10 they're not passing even more oppressive legislation against us. It might be nice if they don't agree on a course of action until May 2015, a bit of peace for us.

Hazel Blears MP

I have often attacked the verminous little turd with a carrot top known as Hazel Blears. She's a minging, unprincipled little gravy train sponger who really should be shot. However there seems to be 16,655 dickheads in Salford who are stupid enough to vote Labour and re-elect the little parasite.

Up yours Salford, never again will I spend a penny in Salford whether that be in a public lavvie or watching Salford RLFC (now known as Salford City Reds), or even visiting the Lowry. If you're stupid enough to vote for her then wallow in your own filth.

Labour Party Fascists

At the local election count in Manchester yesterday I was approached by John Flanagan, the victorious Labour candidate. He informed me that he would be making his victory speech then everybody would be walking out in protest at the presence of the BNP candidate and his agent. He assumed that we would be following him, they're like that in Manchester Labour fascists, they assume that they say jump and you ask how high. I notice they didn't boycott the whole election though!

However, I politely informed him that the Libertarian Party believe in democracy and free speech, even for those we disagree with, and that neither I, the candidate nor our other supporter present would do any such thing.

We stayed behind after the others left and had a good chat to the Lib Dems, who didn't walk out either to their credit. One of the Lib Dems was also an ex-UKIP member who saw sense. I don't think the BNP even realised there had been a walkout.

We didn't get 'Citizen Stuart' elected but we did have a small victory over the forces of Labour fascism.

Ed Alleyne-Johnson in Chester

In the middle of the general election we took a night off and I had a break in Chester with Mrs B. Ed Alleyne-Johnson absolutely blew us away, what a talent. It is worth a visit to Chester just to spend some time listening to this fella busking.

Geraldine Smith MP for Morecambe and Lunesdale

Sorry about the title, she is now 'Geraldine Smith of Morecambe'. You see she lost her seat yesterday to the Conservatives.

Good riddance you vindictive, ill educated old bag.

For more on her click on the 'Geraldine Smith' label below, I've blogged a few times about her.

Lord Pearson Was Right About UKIP!

Lord Pearson, UKIP's leader, was absolutely right in urging people to vote for anybody but UKIP candidates. I apologise for doubting his sanity.

About 5-30 yesterday morning the result was declared in the Meriden constituency and the UKIP candidate couldn't be bothered turning up. You may remember him, pictured above in his now famous masturbation t-shirt. Although I think he'll find masturbating on a 53 bus trundling down Cheetham Hill Road may lead to him being interviewed by plod.

What was bizarre at the declaration in Meriden was that John Ison, UKIP's Solihull candidate, tried to impersonate his pal Barry by lining up with the Meriden candidiates for the announcement, he should have worn Barry's t-shirt, it would have suited him and made him less conspicuous. I can only assume he'd imbibed too much Red Bull or Pro Plus because he then turned to me, sweating and eyes bulging and hissed, from the corner of his mouth: "Beaten by a wanker, beaten by a wanker, beaten by a wanker". I can only assume that he was, as Barry Alcock's right hand, pleased with the result.

It then got more bizarre, drawing quizzical looks from other candidates and agents, when he started hissing at me: "I know you're Junius, I know you're Junius" repeating it several times in the style of the school playground. An even more bizarre individual than Barry Alcock it seems.

If you are unaware Junius writes the blog Junius on UKIP. He does it anonymously, I have no idea who he/she is, but he obviously sends UKIP members into a wild frenzy of anger leading them to see Junius in everybody they see as an opponent. A sure sign of madness.

Maybe Junius posted yesterday from a hospital bed in Oxford. Then again maybe not.

Statement by the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales

The following statement was read out at Mass today by priests throughout England and Wales:

Child abuse in the Catholic Church has been such a focus of public attention recently, that we, the Bishops of England and Wales, wish to address this issue directly and unambiguously.

Catholics are members of a single universal body. These terrible crimes, and the inadequate response by some church leaders, grieve us all.

Our first thoughts are for all who have suffered from the horror of these crimes, which inflict such severe and lasting wounds. They are uppermost in our prayer. The distress we feel at what has happened is nothing in comparison with the suffering of those who have been abused.

The criminal offences committed by some priests and religious are a profound scandal. They bring deep shame to the whole church. But shame is not enough. The abuse of children is a grievous sin against God. Therefore we focus not on shame but on our sorrow for these sins. They are the personal sins of only a very few. But we are bound together in the Body of Christ and, therefore, their sins touch us all.

We express our heartfelt apology and deep sorrow to those who have suffered abuse, those who have felt ignored, disbelieved or betrayed. We ask their pardon, and the pardon of God for these terrible deeds done in our midst. There can be no excuses.

Furthermore, we recognise the failings of some Bishops and Religious leaders in handling these matters. These, too, are aspects of this tragedy which we deeply regret and for which we apologise. The procedures now in place in our countries highlight what should have been done straightaway in the past. Full co-operation with statutory bodies is essential.

Now, we believe, is a time for deep prayer of reparation and atonement. We invite Catholics in England and Wales to make the four Fridays in May 2010 special days of prayer. Even when we are lost for words, we can place ourselves in silent prayer. We invite Catholics on these days to come before the Blessed Sacrament in our parishes to pray to God for healing, forgiveness and a renewed dedication. We pray for all who have suffered abuse; for those who mishandled these matters and added to the suffering of those affected. From this prayer we do not exclude those who have committed these sins of abuse. They have a journey of repentance and atonement to make.

We pray also for Pope Benedict, whose wise and courageous leadership is so important for the Church at this time.

In our dioceses we will continue to make every effort, working with our safeguarding commissions, to identify any further steps we can take, especially concerning the care of those who have suffered abuse, including anyone yet to come forward with their account of their painful and wounded past. We are committed to continuing the work of safeguarding, and are determined to maintain openness and transparency, in close co-operation with the statutory authorities in our countries. We thank the thousands who give generously of their time and effort to the Church’s safeguarding work in our parishes and dioceses.

We commit ourselves afresh to the service of children, young people and the vulnerable in our communities. We have faith and hope in the future. The Catholic Church abounds in people, both laity, religious and clergy, of great dedication, energy and generosity who serve in parishes, schools, youth ventures and the care of elderly people. We also thank them. The Holy Spirit guides us to sorrow and repentance, to a firm determination to better ways, and to a renewal of love and generosity towards all in need.

This statement appears on the webite of the Catholic Church.

Prayers for Reparation and Atonement.

Postal Voting

I've had it with postal voting. Normally you give voting some thought, get into the polling booth and stick a coss on the ballot paper. The deed is over and done with in seconds. With a postal ballot the envelope sits there, unopened for days while you think about it.

Conservative? Vacuous Dave and the chance of silly George, the one Dave has hidden in this campaign, becoming Chancellor of the Exchequer? Scary.

Labour? Enough said.

Green Party? Leather patches and dandruffy beards? If I want to vote far left I will thank you.

Liberal Democrat? An in/out referendum on the EU sounds good. But up to now Nick has promised to join the Euro, not join the Euro and to join if circumstances are right. Then he wants to grant illegal immigrants an amnesty. Then he calls his kids things like Jose Maria Clegg, Juan Antonio Clegg and Francisco Santa Maria Clegg, making them sound like an an Anglo-Spanish version of 'Last of the Summer Wine'. Why didn't he just take his Spanish wife's name or call them Compo and other Yorkshire names?

Then I had UKIP on the ballot paper. But my old friend Nigel was on the election address and somebody I've never heard of was on the ballot paper. On top of that their party leader has told everybody to vote Tory or Labour.

So, until the state dicates that I have to do it by post, I will be cancelling my postal vote for future UK elections. Doesn't matter in EU elections because I don't intend voting in them.