Stwffio'r Cymru

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for radio phone-ins, today being a case in point.

I feel like crap with a bug that kicked off around a week ago and just goes on and on. But we have to eat so I had to shop, which was a brief but painful foray into the local supermarket. Then I had to take three bags of crap to the tip so we don't end up with plague as well. That's where it all went seriously tits up. I was out of the house for no more than forty minutes but every minute felt like being tortured for an hour.

So when I got to the tip and found a huge queue I wasn't happy. You see, they were manoeuvering a truck to take away a recycling bin and 'elf 'n' safety says the public might die if they move their cars while that is happening. Bloody nanny state!

But even worse I had to listen to some intellectual pigmy on BBC Radio 2 banging on about how the Welsh language should get more subsidies. Bollocks you turd! According to the latest census figures, despite billions in subsidies over the last thirty years or so, the Welsh language is in decline. The intellectual pigmy turned out to be a Plaid Cymru MP for some ridiculously unpronouncably named constituency which probably has more sheep than voters.

So, said Welsh nationalist wants our hard earned taxes to subsidise some group of ageing new age types in a squat in Snowdonia to produce meaningless pseudo rock songs in Welsh about the environment and mother earth to an audience of about ten billy goats. Meanwhile we all tighten our belts and see services cut, quite rightly too, because we're sinking under Labour's legacy of debt and irresponsibility. But oh no, not for the Celtic subsidy junkies, 80% of whose GDP comes from Westminster subsidies in the first place. That is, from you and me.

Of course a living language wouldn't need state subsidies. Is Welsh a living language? Here are a few Welsh words, see if you can work out the English and you can decide if it's alive or dead:

Ambiwlans
Parc
Troli
Lotri
Mwslim
Tacsi

There, if you get those words right you probably know as much Welsh as 98% of the population of Wales. I will  now contact the Welsh Office to collect my subsidy for promoting the Welsh language.

If you haven't worked out the title of this blog it involves doing to the Welsh what you did to your turkey before cooking it for Christmas.

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong, or smart enough to steal one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,'

at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Yorkshire, Wales and parts of Ireland!

Thanks for that one Sue.

Proud To Be English?

An excellent article in the Times online today by Melanie Reid about Englishness. I've always been happy that English patriotism is cooly understated and I particularly liked the following paragraph:

For me, Englishness resides in character, not anything physical. It is an indefinable stew of tolerance, decency, resourcefulness and humour that only manifests itself when called upon. Englishness means being determinedly unshowy; modest to the point, often, of crashing dullness. Englishness means possessing a deep sense of fairness, usually completely inarticulated, and a prize-winning ability for a good moan. Englishness may be vulgar: whether it be shell suits and pitbulls; or monogrammed initials on your well cover - God bless you, Sir Peter Viggers - but on the whole it would rather do you a good turn than a bad.

I tend to make my point when having to complete a ridiculous 'equality form'. They usually contain 'White British', White Irish' etc., etc. So I usually tick 'White Other' and, if given the option, add 'English'.

Nations that obsess about their identities and are overtly patriotic tend to be proportionately nasty and unpleasant. Just look at the sectarian murder this weekend in Northern Ireland. It seems to me that Northern Ireland is about one group of 'patriots' versus another. Look at the fascist regimes of the 1930s and beyond, highly patriotic, highly destructive.

Welsh and Scottish nationalism tend to be corny and vulgarly contrived, often based on anti-English sentiment. I would hate England to make a conscious decision to become more overtly patriotic, that is a very dangerous path. I like our understated patriotism thank you.

Scottish Cash

A Tory dimwit is putting forward a bill to FORCE English shopkeepers to accept Scottish money.

Yet another example of authoritarian Tories trying to remove choice.

If the Scots want independence let them have it, I don't wish to cling on to days gone and as an Englishman I am sick of whinging Celts mithering, and that includes the Welsh and all the nutters in Ulster!

Let the English vote and I'm convinced that day by day, an ever increasing majority would happily cut ties with the 'Celtic Whinge'.

North Wales Plod

What a superb irony in the news this morning. The North Wales police HQ, that haven of political correctness and heath and safetydom, has been on fire. Despite all the health and safety crap it was a mistake by a worker with a blowtorch working on a multi-million pound refurbishment that caused it.

My first thought was to find out if Brunstrom was the guy on the bonfire, but it was only a small fire I believe. But then I thought of a Downing Street petition calling for the worker to be knighted. But then I thought as it was only small he didn't deserve an honour.

Sadly the Traffic Taliban survive to fight another day.