The FIFA World Cup Guide

Our noble army of Ingerlund fans have started arriving in foreign parts. But we really know the World Cup is approaching because the health fascists have kicked off before the games have.

It's strange this year because there haven't been dire warnings of violence in South Africa, probably because there is so much there normally anyway it'll just blend in, and the police at airports haven't been confiscating passports from people wearing football shirts on their way to Cape Town or Marbella. But paranoia is still rampant.

What is really surprising this time is that the health fascist paranoics are targetting us, the armchair fans. I've seen fascists in the media lecturing us about reducing our alcohol intake when Ingerlund play. My problem with that is if I don't get completely bladdered I remember how shit the game was the next day, that's not good, especially if you remember who missed that final penalty in the shoot out with Germany/Argentina/Portugal/Italy etc.

They've also been lecturing us about eating healthy food such as Meditteranean salad, veggie kebabs and low fat dips with your portion of two Pringles per game. Now in my humble opinion that is never going to rescue your liver from the fifteen pints of lager, two bottles of wine and half a bottle of Bacardi consumed thanks to the early kick offs. And that's before you go out to drown your sorrows, or a German tourist if they beat us.

I was brought up believing that mopping that level of alcohol up, thus avoiding cirrhosis, needs pork scratchings (x 6 packets), cheese and onion crisps (x 10 packets) and a donner kebab at half time followed by chipsticks (x 4) and a packet of Dorritos with full fat hummus for the second half. Then after the game a chicken vindaloo, Bombay potato, keema rice and a garlic nan finished off with a mango kulfi, all washed down with four pints of Kingfisher.

Just to be on the safe side you should then ideally have half a pound of stilton and an optional half bottle of port when you stagger back to the house. If indigestion is a worry have two or three large measures of Armagnac before bed. If you still remember the awful game and are worried about a sleepless night then open a decent malt such as The Glenlivet and have two or three decent measures before bo-bos.

Now that's what real football fans do with the cash they save from staying at home to watch it on the telly. That's also why you see so many fat tattoed men walking about in replica Ingerlund shirts that are so tight they look like whole body tattoos.

But the strangest warning from a nannying organisation this year is to wives and girlfriends. They are basically being told to leg it if Ingerlund lose because they are liable for a bit of domestic violence. Bollocks! The thing with multi-racial Britain is that whoever beats Ingerlund, there is always some Johnny from foreign parts to batter rather than your loved ones.

For example my neighbour is a Yank, now he'd better hope for a good Ingerlund result on Saturday night. Meanwhile Mrs B is desperately trying to find an Algerian living locally for next Wednesday, just in case.