CC: The Cabinet (but not that Asian woman)
SUBJECT: The Fat Tax and the Pikey Tax
Dropped another gooly here haven't we Giddy? You told us that only fat, poor people who can't read and don't bother to vote bought lunch at that cheap bakery place. As soon as you sat down after the budget my mobile vibrated, yes Theresa it was my phone vibrating in my pocket, and my stockbroker texted me in a terrible rage. Apparently his office girls were in uproar at the thought of their sausage and bean melts being taxed. Law of unintended consequences Giddy, drop the idea now.
The second text was from my accountant. His secretary ran in sceaming that she wanted a pay rise to cover the tax on caravans. It seems she takes something called a Bailey Champagne Pageant to the Dordogne every summer. I told you that was a dubious proposal didn't I? I told you that the caravan tax would hit more than pikies and Margaret Beckett didn't I? I also told you it wouldn't raise much money as pikies don't pay UK tax, they're all registered in Ireland I believe.
So, as my accountant and stockbroker count as 'the public', please announce that following 'public consultation' we have reviewed elements of your budget and are dropping your fat tax, and the pikey tax.
If you don't fancy facing the media can I suggest Ken is always good in front of the cameras, even if he is Secretary of State for Justice. And Ken, don't stab us in the back when you do the media stuff, we'll be watching.
Finally I would like you all to think of better ways to tax the lower and middle classes, preferably ways that we can claim are for their own good. At least one written idea to me from each of you by close of play on Friday please.