Here is the full speech that David cameron would be delivering to the Conservative Conference today, if I had written it for him:
"I am resigning forthwith so that you can elect a leader who is a true conservative on the things that matter, such as the EU, the economy and taxation and, most importantly, defence.Cue the ranks of snoozing delegates rising from their slumber before giving him a standing ovation and breaking into three choruses of:
Now, thank you for giving me the chance to play at Prime Minister, I have enjoyed playing with Nicky Clegg, but I'm not up to the job so that's it, I'm off!"
Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee,Then there is a rendition of various patriotic songs before the delegates depart wondering what the hell had just happened.
Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee!