Friday, February 26, 2010
Van Rompuy and Nigel Farage-Behind The Scenes
Nigel slithered along a dark, windowless corridor, deep in the labyrinthine mass of a dark, characterless building, in a dark colourless city in Europe. He instinctively knew when he had to stop. He looked to his left, knocked once and entered when he heard his master beckon.
He sat in the upright chair facing his master who, after finishing signing a 600,000 word document with a flourish of his right hand, looked up, pushed his gold rimmed glasses up his nose and said:
"Neil Farage, you are a wicked, wicked man. But very good. Very, very good. Only you could pull that off".
"Oh, you know, Hercule, sorry I mean Herbert, I did enjoy that, you know".
"Well, so you should young Neil. You attacked me so effectively but, you know, I did worry, at one point, you hadn't been nasty enough. But you did it, you pulled it off".
"But, you know Herbert, it was so difficult, balancing an attack on you the way I did. The hardcore 'Eurosceptics' love pure venom against you Mr President, but the mild 'Eurodoubters', you know, don't like the nasty stuff, like that chap from Plaid Cymru on the BBC Question Time. You know, he was definitely sceptical about my 'attack', should we say, on you Mr President".
" And so, Neil, he should have been, that was your mission. To attack me in order to please the 'Little Englanders' but to make all those who question our project scared that they will also look like 'Little Englanders'. People in your country, sorry region, hate the venom in your little so-called parliament in Westminster so you, Neil, attack me in a way that makes me look all hurt and vulnerable, another victim of nasty parochial British parasite politicians. Yet again, you made us Europeans look civilised and cultured. You, by contrast, made your 'Eurosceptics' look like small minded, nasty Little Englander buffoons".
"Thank you Mr President, that means a great deal to me".
"No, no, Neil, your Machiavellian mind is perfect for us. Or would be, if you didn't keep getting my damned name wrong. It is Herman you damned fool, not Hercule or Herbert. Guard, Olaf, take this fool away!".
Olaf the guard enters to drag a grovelling Neil away.
"But Hercule, Herbert, Herman or whatever, what's in a name? It's the cause that matters. I have spent all my life, well, since 1999 when I started earning big bucks anyway, working to further the project and......".
"And now, Neil Farage, you have served your purpose. Olaf, take him away. And the fool thinks he can win in Barkingham, Berkingham or wherever. Deluded fool".
"Please Mr President, I'm not Neil, not Neil, I'm Nigel, Nigel Farage".
"Very well Olaf, take Nigel, Nigel Farage away. He has served his purpose".