A Yorkshireman' s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.If you don't like that one how about this very old one:
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".
He explodes - "Fooking 'ell man, you've left the fooking "e" out, you've left the fooking "e" out!" The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, she were thin".
An actor in Hollywood goes for an audition. He wows the director but he calls the actor to one side:
"I'd love to give you the part" he says "but you must change that name".
"Why? What's wrong with my name?" he asks.
"Well it's a good wholesome family film and your name could possibly cause offence".
"But I've been called Penis von Lesbian all my life and it's never caused offence yet" Protested the actor.
"Come back in two days with a new name or you don't get the part" demanded the director.
Two days later the actor returns: "OK", he says, " what about Dick van Dyke?"